In my years, you might say that I have become somewhat of a Don Juan.... except that I am not some illegal Mexican shit bag.

Recently, people have asked me if I could impart some of my lady killing talents. "No problem" I said. I also said "your wife is ugly as sin", but that's a different matter. Below are some of my most successful pick-up lines. Use them as you see fit, but if you marry someone rich, I would like to get some money out of the deal. I'm not kidding.

  • Are you a whore? Because, you sure look like one.
  • Your mother must have been very ugly.
  • Did you used to be a man? Because, you sure look like one of those trans testicles.
  • My horoscope said I would meet a great looking babe today. Obviously the astrologer doesn't know shit, because you are fat and ugly.
  • Some women have "looks that kill". You have "looks that sodomize and vomit leeches". Want to be my whore?
  • Rub this toilet paper between your tits, I think it will make them bigger. It sure worked on your ass.
  • Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
  • I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
  • The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

You see, the key is to lower their self esteem so that even if you are a rancid smelling old bastard, they will be desperate to prove themselves worthy of some human companionship.