Oh Canada

You Know You're Canadian When...

  • You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".

  • You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

  • You drink pop, not soda.

  • You know what it means to be on pogey.

  • You know that a mickey and a few 2-4's mean "Party at the campground, eh?!"

  • You can drink legally while still a teen.

  • You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

  • You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don't WANT to know if he has!

  • Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

  • You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

  • You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

  • You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

  • You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

  • You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

  • You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me."

  • Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.

  • You use a red pen on your non Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

  • You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

  • You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

  • You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

  • You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

  • You were sad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air. (Even if you didn't watch it!)

  • You know what a toque is.

  • You have some momento of Bob and Doug.

  • You know that Toronto is not a province.

  • You never miss "Coach's Corner".

  • Back bacon is one of your favorite food groups.

Cool Things About Canada:

  • The size of Canadian footballs/football fields; one less down.

  • The fact that the new "world cup" trophy is too gay for words when compared to the old Canada Cup trophy.

  • Lacrosse is Canadian.

  • Hockey is Canadian.

  • Basketball is Canadian.

  • The biggest flags ever seen at the Olympic closing ceremonies were Canadian (twice... and the second one was smuggled in against a rule that was made because of the first one).

  • Mr. Dressup could kick Mr. Roger's ass.

  • Way better beer commercials/beer company contests/beer company give-aways (Molson had a national party in a cabin in the Rockies this summer with Great Big Sea and Big Sugar, no purchase necessary and the next morning one of the hung over party goers got to keep the house! The Molson Canadian House Party!).

  • Much Music kicks MTV's ass.

  • Maple Syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworth's ass (I don't know about Aunt Jemima).

  • Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin Donut's ass.

  • In the war of 1812 we burned the White House and most of Washington.

  • Canada has the largest French population in the world that never surrendered to Germany.

  • Our "civil war" was led by a drunken, insane William Lyon McKenzie.

  • Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little less than an hour.

  • The only person arrested and hanged after our civil war was an American mercenary who slept in and missed the whole fight, showing up just in time to get caught.

  • We knew plaid flannel was cool way before Seattle did.

  • The Hudson Bay company once owned 1/11th of the Earth's surface.

  • The average dog sled team can kill and devour a grown human in less than three minutes.

  • We don't have much of a taste for powdered bear testicles but we know who does and we're willing to sell them.

  • We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

  • We don't marry our kinfolk.

  • We invented snowmobiles, jet skis, Velcro, zippers, zambonis and the handles on cardboard beer cases.

  • We know that any scale that says water boils at 212 and freezes at 32 is asinine.

  • And best of all...we can out drink Americans...

Questions for Canada...

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!!!!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.