How the Iraqi leader might reply ot George Bush's sabre rettling

July 21, 2002

American President George Bush has been demanding a "regime change" in "evil" Iraq, which he plans to invade.

Saddam Hussein's possible reply, from Baghdad:

"My fellow Iraqis, it's time for a 'regime change' in the United States. President George Bush must go!"

"Bush is a danger to Americans, and to the whole globe. America has become a 'rogue state' that threatens world peace and stability. Oh, my brothers, America is the nexxus of evil!"

"I have just ordered our intelligence services to help Americans overthrow Bush and his evil clique."

"We are giving military training and cash to the Hell's Angels, Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam and the Michigan Militia."

"I've ordered our fearless agents to kidnap Bush and bring him to Baghdad. If he resists, they are authorized to shoot -- in self-defence."

"Defectors from America report the U.S. is the grandfather of weapons of mass destruction: More than 8,000 nuclear weapons, 31,200 tons of chemical weapons, and enough biological warfare agents such as anthrax, botulism, plague, Q-fever and rap music to wipe the globe twice. The U.S. is the only nation to actually have used nuclear weapons, killing 240,000 civilians, and it is thinking about using them again."

"Isreal, which keeps threatening nuclear attacks on us and our Iranian brothers, developed its secret nuclear and biowarfare programs with covert American aid. So did Britain, France and India. America is a major proliferator of nuclear technology. Back in the 1980's, when we were still America's ally, the U.S. supplied us with the very chemical weapons and germ warfare it howls about today."

"Speaking of biowarfare, we all know how in 1991 the U.S. destroyed our dams, reservoirs, water-pumping stations, filtration plants and sewage systems in the Mother of all Battles. After the war, the U.S. refused to allow us to import materials to repair our destroyed sanitary systems -- even banning chlorine to purify our water. The ensuing epidemics killed a million of our children."

"The U.S. refuses to allow inspection of its nuclear, chemical or biological warfare arsenals, or to destroy the nuclear warheads it now possesses. Without inspection and destruction of America's weapons of mass destruction, the world cannot be safe"

"Who knows, the U.S. might strike at any nation that displeases it!"

"Just last week, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell warned Washington 'reserves the right' to overthrow all regimes it considers a danger. The U.S. is developing new 'mini-nukes' called 'Arab Busters' for use against Third World nations. Who's next?"

"As for terrorism, we suspect the United States had links to Osama Bin Laden and his terrorists. After all, didn't the U.S. finance most of the militant Islamic groups? The U.S. has sponsored terrorist groups here in Iraq, Libya, Cuba, El Savador, Congo, Nicaragua, Angola, Sudan and Indonesia. The U.S. tried to assassinate Egypt's president, Gamal Abdel Nasser, Iran's Islamic leadership, that crazy Gadhafi in Libya, Gen. Adid in Somalia and, last, but not least, my humble self. Our prisons are full of U.S.-sponsored terrorists who sought to overthrow our glorious revolutionary regime and murder its heroic leaders."

"Now, a crazy cabal of petro-imperialists, Isreali agents of influence, fanatical Christian fundamentalists, Pentagon warmongers and Bush's pit bull poodle, Tony Blair, are plotting to invade beautiful Iraq. Then they plan to take their anti-Muslim crusades to Iran, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Lebanon -- and any other nations that refuse to kiss America's feet. Bush's Texas imperialists are determined to turn the world into a U.S. version of the British Empire."

"The people in the Pentagon pulling Bush's strings know our beloved Iraq has the Mideast's second largest oil reserves after Saudi Arabia -- perhaps the biggest, only allah knows. Oil will soon be in very short supply worldwide. Even George Bush Jr., of Texas baseball, can understand this. America wants our oil. Watch out, Canada -- your water may be next."

"I'm also deeply concerned about the welfare of America's suffering people. Their stock markets, accounting firms, brokerage houses and investment banks were run by super-crooks who make Ali Baba's 40 thieves look like simple melon merchants."

"Some of Bush's pals defrauded America's workers of their life savings, stole their pensions and may yet cause a world financial crisis. In Iraq, such criminals would be shot and their families billed for the bullets."

"Now, after wrecking America's economy, the war party in Washington is whipping up hysteria by fabricating tales claiming we intend to attack America with all sorts of nefarious weapons."

"This is the Mother of all Lies. We were proctologically inspected for seven years by an army of UN 'experts', many of whom turned out to be spies."

"All -- well, most, anyway -- of our chemicals and germs supplied by the U.S. and Britain are either destroyed or have become inert."

"President Bush is up to his ears in business scandals. November elections are approaching. Remember that naughty girl, Monica Lewinsky, who fired Bill Clinton's Scud Missile?"

"Clinton diverted attention by bombing us."

"The Bush White House is trying the same old trick, but on a grand scale."

"My heroic, democratic and peace-loving Iraqi brothers -- it's time for a 'regime change' in Washington!"